my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
