Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
