New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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