Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
