is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
