Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
