Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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