we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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