The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
