Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am mentally ready for anal.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
