just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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