woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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