Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
