I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
