I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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