Kiss
Puke
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
