Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
