Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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