Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
