i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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