Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
