I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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