Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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