TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
