dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
