I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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