I met the friendliest cop last night
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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