How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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