Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
