don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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