hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
