Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
