i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
