I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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