There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
