I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
