You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
