He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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