nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
