she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
