I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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