I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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