Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
