I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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