i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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