You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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