she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
