but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
