I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
two words: eviction party
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
