Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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