Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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